you really don't want to know

Just saw this dude driving like 80 mph through the neighborhood where I work. Forget schoolkids, I’d be more worried about the blank-eyed Asian drivers I see hovering at 1 mph or so, with no clear indication as to when they’ll be darting across several lanes for no apparent reason. I see it every day.

I’m sick of seeing stupid headlines about Apple’s failure with the iPhone launch, and it has nothing to do with how much I like Apple, or how happy I am with my iPhone. It has more to do with the posts I’ve made about Edward R. Murrow, Woodward and Bernstien, etc. I just feel like the absolute lack of journalistic integrity (and talent) in the world today is part of a cancerous problem that’s not likely to ever go away.

News isn’t news anymore. It hasn’t been for a long time.

Click me.

There’s this scene in Waking Life that I love, where the main character is walking down into a subway, and on the way down, before he rounds the corner, his eyes meet with a girl who’s walking up, and they squeak little “hi’s” to each other. As they carry on, she turns and says something like “Hey, wait a minute. That was nice…let’s do that again.” And then she goes into a diatribe about how people are always walking around with their antennae feeling about, but completely turned off, rarely making eye contact, or smiling at a stranger.

Since seeing that movie, I do both. Often. Makes me feel good to know someone smiled back at me and their day brightened just a little. I wonder if anyone will ever turn around and say “hey, that was nice…let’s do that again.”

Fuck you, yes I’m a sap.

Very cool Flickr pool. Here’s my contribution:

And one of my favorites:

I’ve lived close to airports for several years now, and I still get a funny feeling when I see a commercial airliner flying low overhead, like it’s a missile in the sky. Do any of you still feel weird about airplanes in light of September 11, 2001? Not, like, overwhelming feelings…just…it crosses your mind, even for an instant?

…but you can’t make her think.

I almost got clobbered by some stupid bitch in traffic on the way to work today. I’m riding along, keeping my eye on everyone, since no one can be trusted to see my bright orange motorcycle, my high beam, or my bright blue jacket. So, I’m riding with my front wheel just in front of her door, so she can see me in her peripheral vision (if she were paying attention), and all at once I see the nose of her car steer into my lane, and her turn signal go on at the same time. I swerve to the far side of my lane, check the traffic in front of me and on the other side, and I turn my head to look at the offending driver quickly, to make sure she’s stopped trying to kill me. What do I see? I see a turkey-necked middle-age woman, barely paying attention even after she’s nearly hit a motorcyclist. She’s wearing white headphones, and she’s using her right hand to hold the cord of the headphones up in front of her mouth.

iPhone.

What the fuck? What the…I don’t…huh?

The fucking iPhone comes with these headphones that have a microphone on the cord. It acts just like a wired hands-free headset you’d use with any other phone. The mic hangs just below your jaw, and it works just effing fine without touching it. This is the same type of woman who needs to hold her phone in her hand while she talks on her bluetooth headset, which could essentially be 30 feet away from the phone and still work. What is wrong with you, lady? You clearly don’t understand what’s safe, and what’s more, you’re actually taking measures to circumvent safety features so you can be more of a menace to the people around you.

I was riding along with sound-isolating headphones in my ears, under my helmet. Essentially, earplugs with audio coming through them. I could hear barely anything except the quiet podcast that was playing…from the iPhone in my pocket. And I was having no trouble at all paying attention to everything and everyone around me. I have to be hyper-vigilant because other people border on criminally negligent. Some days, I hate people.

I’ve long been a fan of This American Life on NPR, and in recent months I’ve been subscribing to the Podcast, since I’m pretty much never in front of a radio for regularly scheduled programming.

When I started commuting to Oakland on the motorcycle, I bought a set of Shure headphones so I could listen to my iPod at low volumes while I ride, which helps to pass the time, makes me feel enriched a little, and also helps to save me from going deaf. Win-win. This American Life has been way better to listen to than music, since it’s enlightening, funny, and just generally entertaining.

And listening while I’m riding is a strange anomaly, since it doesn’t interfere with my ability to focus on the road, yet I’m not too distracted from the audio that I don’t absorb what’s being said. Contrast this with listening while working, in which case, I honestly can’t remember a single word of what was said in the past 10 seconds. Can’t concentrate on writing emails while a talk show is going on.

Anyway, last week I listened to an episode that included excerpts from another show, called Radio Lab, which Ira Glass had mentioned is one of his favorite radio shows as of late.

Yesterday, I downloaded the five episodes of the Radio Lab podcast from iTunes, and I listened to three of them while I worked on my car in the driveway. It’s kind of a science show, but it’s put together with a wit and humor that’s really fresh. I was constantly laughing.

This is quite possibly the best radio show I’ve heard in years. I listened to another episode on the way to work today, and I was frequently laughing my ass off and remarking aloud with things like “wow” and “huh…that’s interesting.” On a motorcycle. Where no one can hear me. This should illustrate something.

The two guys who host the show are just couple of guys. But they’re smart. And they make each other laugh. And the shit they come up with is genuinely funny. Most of it is about the language they use.

Anyone who knows me knows I’m a big fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Most of the reason I got hooked on that show was because of the ways in which they manipulated the language to get a laugh, poke fun at the average teenager, and generally just twist the arm of the English Language until it squealed like a little girl with a skinned knee. Joss Whedon is a genius.

These guys do something similar, but more to the tone of “interlacing a little dumb to make the smart sound more fun.” I used to do this a lot (not so much anymore), and hence the word “ersumthin” became a trademark of sorts among friends: I’d go on and on about something, waxing poetic about the details of some stupid thing I supposedly knew about, using multi-syllabic words ad nauseum…and then end it with “ersumthin. I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about anyway.”

Anyway, the hosts of Radio Lab use everyday language to get their point across, and look deeper into One Big Idea for every show. It’s fun. And it breaks the mold. I was thinking this morning, as I was listening, that the reason I like it so much, is because they present their stuff in a way that just sounds genuine. Two guys talking. Often talking with other people. Often cutting effortlessly to recordings they’ve made on location. And all of it is woven together in such a way that it doesn’t sound like a script. Doesn’t sound manufactured. Doesn’t sound like something you’d be cool with ignoring.

It’s also about playing with audio, and doing things you don’t normally hear on the radio. For example, the episode I listened to this morning was about sleep. It began with the whispered introduction, “I’m trying to get the sound of a baby sleeping.” And then you start hearing this tiny little snore, coming from the mouth of a baby that can’t be more than a month old. It almost brought me to tears, it was so beautiful. Later in the show, they talked about the brain waves of a cat while it’s sleeping, and how they’re so frantic-sounding that it’s clear that “sleep” does not equal “dormant.” And as a rebuttal, Jad (one of the hosts) says “and this is what my kitten sounds like when she’s sleeping.” And then you hear a half-purring, half-squeaking-half-mewling little kitten snoring that just rips your heart out and replaces it with Laffy Taffy™. And then, without missing a beat, they start into a segment about drilling into the head of an animal (with sound effects) to test its brainwaves, at which point the one host says to the other, “whoa, whoa, wait, WHAT?! They’re not drilling into that kitten’s skull, are they?!” Messing with your mind, with audio, totally playing around. Little things like this happen all throughout every show.

I gotta find more podcasts like this one. Friggin’ rules. I wasn’t even sold on the value of podcasts in general (which are free) until now.

Check it out. You’ll love it.

It’s funny when a guy like me says a line like that. Seriously, I’m not that smart. Ask my girlfriend, she’ll tell ya.

Anyway, since the iPhone was released, there have been hundreds of articles written about it, and about half of them are positive reviews from people who have actually laid hands on the feckin’ thing. Those articles tend to be in the “wow this thing is cool” category.

The other articles are decidedly in another category: the “how can we possibly put a negative spin on this thing’s already-wildly-successful launch?” category. I’ve seen so many reviews that list all the features of the iPhone next to some other phone and say “SEE?!?! It doesn’t have some of the features of its competitors!!” Well, yeah, now would you please take your head out of your ass and realize that “doesn’t stack up on paper” isn’t a valid argument? On paper, you can say just about anything you want, and make it sound convincing. On paper, communism worked. Every single person I’ve seen in an Apple Store playing with the iPhone seems to have come from a skeptical pre-supposition that it was totally not gonna live up to the hype, and TO A MAN, every single one of them has commented (to me, to their neighbor, to their wife) that they were shocked, the thing really is as awesome as they said it would be.

Some articles I’ve seen also list the limitations of the iPhone’s web browser, chief among them is the lack of Flash support. Show me any other phone on the market that does Flash, and has a browser this good. And people have complaints about the Mail program. Even though it’s better than any other mobile phone’s email program on the market. Not to mention, Apple has a history of releasing software updates for their devices to just make them better and better. Does Nokia do this? Motorola? Don’t even get me started on Palm software or Windows Mobile, shit-piles that they are. I don’t know enough about Blackberry to comment, but I’ve seen some compelling articles that don’t make it look any better.

I’ll be the first to admit that I am an Apple fan-boy. I like what they make. I’ve been repeatedly impressed with the quality of their hardware and software. The fact that they design both hardware and software means that, often, their product just has a fit-and-finish that stands head and shoulders above the rest, because it’s all custom-tailored to work together. So, I’m a fan-boy. However, when something like this comes along, I’m torn, because I also want to make sure I don’t get screwed with a lemon device (1st gen means beta) like many original Macbook Pro Core Duo owners did. Shit just breaks on 1st gen devices.

With the iPhone, since it’s a first-of-its-kind device, there are widespread complaints about what it’s lacking, since other phones out there DO have the things it’s missing. The biggest is 3G-network internet access. This was a concern for me, since I (like everyone else) would prefer to have the best of what’s around, especially if I’m paying $600 for a phone. But upon further inspection, the 3G network (which AT&T does, in fact, have on some of its other phones) is simply not as widespread as it is in Europe. The EDGE network is slower by a long-shot, but it’s also much more readily-available across the country. And, as luck would have it, EDGE electronics actually consume less battery life than 3G electronics do. Overall, bittersweet, but at least it’s not a terrible loss. I’d rather be ABLE to get maps and traffic info when I’m lost in a strange city, than NOT be able to access the wicked-fast network that’s not available in that particular region.

Truth be told, yes, the 10% re-stocking fee (if you opened the box and then return it) is something new to the cell industry (or so I’ve heard…I’ve never wanted to return a cell phone, since I kinda do my homework before getting one). So, of course, people are crying about the fact that OH NOES, I’m gonna have to drop SIXTY DOLLARS if I take back my $600 phone that I suddenly decide I didn’t actually want. Seriously? Why does this make you mad? Listen…go into an Apple Store before you buy the $600 telephone. Walk up to a table, PICK UP an iPhone, dial a fucking phone number, and TRY the thing. To my knowledge, this is the first time I’ve EVER seen a display cell phone that’s actually activated on the network and able to make a phone call. Usually, you go into a cell store and see that 75% of the display models weigh half what they should, because they don’t even have any electronics inside them. Just a sticker that shows what the LCD display might look like if, y’know, the thing were real. If you missed my point, here are the Cliff’s Notes: If you, the consumer, go into an Apple Store, pick up an iPhone, call your grandma, and in the course of that conversation you realize that the call quality ain’t so hot…and then you still plunk down $600 on that telephone you weren’t impressed with…then you deserve to lose that $60 re-stocking fee because you (like an idiot) fell for the hype and bought a wicked-way-mega cool device that doesn’t do what you want it to do, as well as you want it to do it. Re-stocking fees are put in place because they can’t sell your opened phone as “brand new” anymore. Demo models that you can actually USE are put in place FOR YOU, so you can make an informed decision about how to spend your hard-earned money.

Oh, and the 14-day return policy: this is something that people sometimes (but not often) bitched about while I worked at the Apple Store. First, I think it’s really lazy to need more time to decide if you actually want the thing (why don’t you know this before buying?). Second (and here’s a fact that most people don’t know), that 14 day period is also the span of time in which, if you have a problem with your iPhone, computer, ipod, whatever…you don’t have to bring it to the Genius Bar for repair. You bring it in, you tell them you just bought the thing and something’s wrong with it, and they give you a brand new unit, unopened, from retail stock. No waiting, no repairs, no “refurbished replacement unit.” To my knowledge, there is no cell phone shop or computer store that will do this for you, except Apple.

Lots of people are bitching about how you have to sign a 2-year contract, can’t use the iPhone on anything but AT&T’s network, and have to pay full price for the phone (no subsidies, or “freebies”). The only part of this I see as a problem is this: they’re making you sign a 2-year contract, but they’re not offering you any price cut for doing so. Generally, phone carriers give you a couple-hundred-dollar subsidy on a phone in exchange for a 2-year contract because they’re gonna make far more money from you on the plan, than they do on the phone. But with Apple and AT&T, for some reason they want to lock you in without giving you an incentive. The incentive is the phone. They’re giving you the privelege of getting the coolest phone on the block, and for this, you have to chain yourself to them for 2 years. It’s an arrogant move. But the bigger underlying problem I see is this: Apple has signed an exclusive deal with AT&T for (reportedly) five years. On the one hand, this makes me less mad about the two-year contract, because I can’t take the phone elsewhere anyway. But on the other hand, I’m pissed at Apple for signing an exclusive contract for so damned long. I don’t have enough personal experience with AT&T to really know if they’re better or worse than other companies. My guess is, it’s six of one, half dozen of the other. Every cell carrier is shady and shitty for one reason or another. I’m glad as fuck that they didn’t choose Verizon, since I know from experience that Verizon is as shady as they get.

Speaking of Verizon, they operate their network on a completely different set of technologies. Verizon and Sprint use CDMA for their network, while A&T and T-Mobile use GSM technology, which uses a SIM card in the phone, which can be swapped to a different phone for convenience, etc. So, when talking about using an iPhone on another network, you’re basically talking about T-Mobile. There aren’t too many other cell carriers in the USA that do GSM on a quality, nationwide scale. I mean, I hear T-Mobile would be a nice alternative…but it’s only one real alternative. What are the odds that that alternative, in actuality, would be better? I don’t know, and I’m sure it’s worth looking into…but truth be told, I think I’m good. I’ll get an iPhone and give AT&T a shot. It’s not like I have much choice, other than to refrain from getting an iPhone for the next five years.

And that ain’t gonna happen.

I’ve got my first-generation iPod sitting in the drawer, and it still works, and it’s a symbol of a huge paradigm shift that happened in my lifetime. I believe the iPhone will do something similar, and I want a piece of that.

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If you’ve read this whole thing, you deserve a reward: more fun reading material that falls into the “related news” category.

I was talking to a client today, who mentioned she was planning to start a business, and wanted to build a site that had similar functionality to www.geni.com. She said she had played around on that site, and was really impressed with the way she and others in her family were able to build and establish their family tree. She said that, very rapidly, they got to the point where there were over 1000 people on the tree.

I went to ancestry.com a month or two ago, and entered info for my parents, siblings, and what I know about my grandparents. I haven’t emailed the link to my brother and sister yet, because I’m afraid we might come up with 5 more people, and it’ll just fizzle out and depress us all.

I feel very disconnected.