you really don't want to know

I spend way too much fucking time on VWvortex. Holy fucking christ am I a loser. I gotta go to bed…

We sat there talking for god knows how long, after your brother an Shannon went to bed. I don’t know how long we were talking, but it started getting late way too soon. I didn’t want to go home, but of course I had to go sooner or later.

You were laying across the ottoman, face up, legs in the air on the back of the chair, just being cute in your upside-down-ness. I’ve never been sure of whether a parting kiss was welcome, so I slowly get up to go, not really rushing to the door. You get a sad look on your face, like you don’t want me to go. I’m not really sure, so I give you a questioning look. You put out an arm, grab my leg, pull me toward you. You turn your face up toward me, expecting a kiss, and I deliver it gladly. We still haven’t gotten comfortable enough with each other that the kiss feels like second nature…but we were working on that. I just…I don’t think you’ll ever know how much that little moment made my heart soar. You, the one most guarded, opening yourself up to me and showing me that you wanted me near.

Somehow it all fell apart before we even got to the really good part. I wish we’d at least tried a little longer. But maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s best that we didn’t. I just wish it felt like the forever-ago that it was.

I’m walking up a rainy street one block down and one block over from my house. My head is down against the rain, my glasses are slipping off my nose. I start toward the street, to cross it, to go over a block instead of going up one first. I look up and see a pretty girl coming down the hill. I turn back, so I can keep walking, walk past her. I see her see me do this. When we pass, I look at her and smile. She looks at me and smiles. It’s raining on her, and she’s beautiful.

I wanted to turn around and ask her if maybe we could do that again, but I didn’t.

sigh.

That’s what someone called it yesterday on the bus: “we’ve got an EZpass to Hell.” Well, no, it certainly wasn’t a bad day…perhaps they were just looking forward to the immense hangovers they’d have today in the aftermath.

So yeah…yesterday I went to Melanie’s house at 10am, met up with her and 30 of her nearest-dearest, and piled on a bus to go wine tasting in the finger lakes region. I’m not entirely sure where we were, but I know if was South of Ovid. I’m not much for wine, but it really was a fun day. And luckily the first few wines I drank were really sweet, so I wasn’t gagging. I was pleasantly tipsy before the nasty-tasting wines started getting poured. I know they’re the ones the wine snobs like, but I’m not one of them, so bring the $7 bottle. I’ll love it.

Anyway, the bus ride got much more pleasant as people got more and more drunk. Definitely helped, since I knew exactly two people at the outset of the trip. But everyone was really cool, so I didn’t hide in the corner too long. And the party at Melanie’s afterward was really cool, but unfortunately I stopped drinking way too early in the evening, so I got tired early and had to go home. It might have been nicer to stay and crash there, but oh well.

Anyway, it’s Monday, and I’m wasting another day. Fuck. I should go do something.

I can’t even describe it. Just terrible. I seriously hope the people working at MY wedding won’t be thinking the things I was thinking at this one. The one thing that stuck with me is the part of the priest’s sermon that went something like “the Lord only knows how and why it is that two people become attracted to one another…” It was kinda funny, considering the bride and groom concerned.

So I drove up to Syracuse last night to hang out with folks, and it turns out it was just Jackie who showed up. Cool. I mean a bunch of other guys showed up, but they seemed a bit new and awkward, clustering together while Jackie and I kinda did the same. They took off after a short time. Hope we didn’t come off as lamers, but oh well. Maybe they’ll be back. Meh…I don’t care, it was just nice to sit around and shoot the shit with Jack for a bit.

We went out to Armory Square and had a beer with her friend Meghan, who brought along a trio of jesuit-priests-in-training. It was kinda funny (three preists walk into a bar…). Nice guys…albeit a little stiff. I guess I’d be stiff too if I were never allowed to have sex or masturbate EVER again. I thought I was troubled by that…apparently Jackie was mortified. I’m glad I’m not the only one who enjoys the not-so-simple pleasures.

Anyway, I’m in Oswego today, heading to Alex Bay to shoot a wedding with Buddy. Should be interesting. Not sure I’m up to it, but it’s money. Anyway, we went to the Ritz Diner for some grub, and ended up spending over an hour waiting to order and get food. Doesn’t really help that the average age of the waitresses was something like 112. As my brother so eloquently put it, “there’s a fine line between being a waitress, and being dust.”

I was supposed to go up to Saratoga this weekend to visit with Eli, but I’d forgotten that Melanie’s wine-tour birthday party is Sunday. And Buddy wanted help at the wedding, so I guess I’ll visit Eli next weekend ersumthin. Sorry kiddo.

Anyone have $600 they wanna lend me? Or perhaps a job I’d be perfect for? Luke said he’ll paint my car and do my bodywork for free if I supply the materials. Fuck.

I’m back…but it still remains to be seen if I’m better than ever. Nah, doubtful.